Remember the Beatles?

I find the following a bit humorous. My wife had a colonoscopy a few months back.

Dave Barry’s Colonoscopy Journal

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis .  Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called ‘MoviPrep’, which comes in a box large enough to
hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America’s enemies.
 
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets
of powder together in a one-liter  plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter
is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like
a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
 
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.’  This is kind of like saying that after you jump
off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
 
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here,
but:  Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when
you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate
everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
 
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, ‘What if
I spurt on Andy?’  How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that?  Flowers would not be enough.
 
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with what ever the heck the forms said.  Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked.
 
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of
this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full
Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.
 
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I
realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy
that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
 
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ‘Ha
ha,’ I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
 
I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was
yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder
of an internal organ.
 

ABOUT THE WRITER
 
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.
 
On the subject of Colonoscopies…
 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone
before!’

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’   

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’  

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
 
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
 
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
 
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’ 

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’ 

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all.

13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?’

About two weeks ago, wife had a colonoscopy. The doctor took a few polyps he found and cut them out for biopsy. Today bright and early, went back for the results. Polyps were benign and nothing to get excited about. Plus doctor told her no need for another colonoscopy for at least 5 years. Took a load of worry from my wife and I!

It was cool this morning at 55F when we went to the doctor. Like sweater weather! Of course now that August is winding down fast and September is upon us, it mean our tomato plants will start shutting down and no more good fresh tomatos. They are loaded down heavy with tomatos and blooms. But it may be all for naught. Not at all like last year’s crop where we made jars of salsa, tomato juice, and jars of tomatoes. The too much rain we got just threw all the tomato plants into a funk. Not just ours, but everyone else in the area. Even the jalapeno plants are not up to full maturity and putting out good jalapenos.

Opening up a new blog soon. It will be a blog just about affiliate companies, affiliate products, how to be an affiliate, making money as an affiliate, and anything else about affiliates. Should be an interesting project for me. I do okay as an affiliate for a lot of different companies and I feel there is a need for a blog to help people who are already affiliates or want to be affiliates and make money. For the present, the blog is empty. Hope to work on it a bit over the weekend and get it off and running. You can stop by and see the progress at: Chief Affiliates

Oh! I sold off one of my bidding directories yesterday! Trying to sell off a second bidding directory today. Plus the new forum? Got a buyer for that one so tonight it may be history for me. And will be putting up a few more sites for sale, as I want to get rid of all my non-core sites. Try to get my entire site portfolio down to a maximum of 9 sites. Plus also trying to unload about 28 domains! Will see this weekend how many I can sell off at my super low prices (I will be losing money for sure, but at least I will get ride of them).